I will never forget 9.11.01

It feels like a lifetime ago and it feels like only yesterday. I will never forget what the sky looked like that day, sitting in my office on Long Island, New York, 35 miles from where the Twin Towers had stood hours before. Bright blue with puffy white clouds going by. That was not the same sky in Manhattan.

To this day, when I look up and I see that sky, it brings back all the memories of that day for me. We lost so many innocent lives and we lost our innocense as a Country.

It will never be the same and I will never forget.

Thank you!

For all your comments on my last post. Its crazy how just when I think I am getting "better" something like a letter in the mail can knock me on my ass!

Before I go back to my happy-life posting (I usually am a happy person in general, ya know?) I just have to share one more thing with you all. My sister went back to work on Tuesday, she is an Italian language teacher. This was the first time since May 11th that she saw many of her students. She told me that after her first class, it became apparant that she had to address the elephant in the room so for the first 15 minutes of each class she spoke about what happened on May 11th and what led to the accident that killed my dad and her husband. Texting while driving. She took this tragic accident as an opportnity to warn teenagers about the dangers of texting and driving! She is the most unbelievable woman I know! I am so proud of her and I honestly cannot believe how far she has come. Granted, she is still a scatter brain as evidenced the other day when she threw out a bag of my daughters ex-boyfriends clothes! I will save that story for another post!

I am still sick today with a cold/sore throat and I didn't go to the gym today. I have an appointment for a CT scan of my ankle this afternoon. It hasn't hurt since I got the cortizone shot back in June but its starting to act up again. The doc wants the CT scan to see exactly what we are dealing with. I had an MRI months ago and really don't understand what the difference is but I'm not the doctor. As crazy as it sounds, I hope he can just do another cortizone shot even though that hurt like hell! The alternative is surgery which I would rather avoid, thank you very much!

My weight is still flat-lining and I am anxiously waiting for next Thursday when I go to see the doctor for my fill. This is the appointment that Stepahnie gave me, remember? Love her!

Have a great Thursday my friends!

Premonitions?

I have had a very wishy-washy kind of day today. First off, I woke up sick. Sore throat, head stuffy and just feeling crappy. Off to the gym I went for my session with my trainer but I didn't stay for my one hour cardio class afterwards. She actually made me leave saying it would not do me any good to push myself when I didn't feel good. So, home I went!

I was just kind of doing nothing when Steve brought in the mail and said there was something from the attorney handling my dads estate. I opened it and out fell one piece of paper naming me his administrator. I don't know why but it hit me so hard! I immediately started crying and really haven't stopped since. One piece of paper. That's it.

Steve was so mad that the attorney didn't even bother to put a cover letter or anything. Unfortunately, its not the attorneys fault, it was the secretary who sent it. Anyway, it just got me to thinking AGAIN, about how different things would be today if everyone just listened to me. For the life of me, I still cannot understand why I had such a bad feeling about that motorcycle trip. I was relentless in trying to talk my father and brother-in-law out of going.

Steve didn't want to go but not at all for the reasons that I didn't want them all to go. He didn't want to go because he just thought it would be to cold to be riding so far on the bikes in May. The only reason he went was to keep my dad company on the ride north to South Carolina. I didn't want them to go because I just had a bad feeling. I begged my sister to talk to her husband about not going. At one point, it actually looked like my brother-in-law was going to cancel because some of the guys he was riding down from New York with were backing out. I was ecstatic! Than, he says "I have to go or I'll lose my $100 deposit on the room!" OMG...I even offered to pay him the $100.

I feel very guilty about my last conversation with my BIL. I was very upset with him about going forward with the trip and when he called on Saturday to talk to Steve about the trip, I was very short with him. He was so excited about leaving the next morning and I just didn't want to talk to him about it so I cut him off and gave the phone to Steve. I wish I had a premonition than that it was going to be my last conversation with Jimmy because you can bet, I would not have done that. I have to live with that the rest of my life.

When I start doing the "what if" scenarios my daughter and husband always point out that I will make myself crazy if I live the rest of my life asking these questions. I know that it doesn't matter "what if", all that matters is "what is".

Anyway, the reason I am really bringing this up today is that Tessie's post on Hurricane Rita brought back some memories for me. Long Island was hit with Hurricane Bob in 1991 and that was the only other time in my life that I had a premonition. Believe me, that premonition wasn't nearly as bad as the one I had about the motorcycle trip but it was still a premonition that came true. I was sitting on my front porch watching the storm and we had this huge oak tree on the front lawn. Out of the blue I said to my ex-husband, "can you imagine if that tree fell?" There was absolutely no reason for my comment. It wasn't swaying or anything. He said that wouldn't happen. Oh really? Not five minutes later, that sucker fell....ripped out the power lines and missed my porch by a few feet!

I asked Steve if in the future I ever felt strongly about something, would he trust my instincts? He said yes. I was actually a little surprised by this but I felt comforted by it. I pray that I will never again have a premonition such as those I've had but its nice to know that my husband doesn't think I am a kook!

Shoutout to my Guardian Angel Stephanie!!!

I wanted to publicly thank Stephanie of "Dreams of Skinny High Heals" for helping me out. Steph and I go to the same doctor (she recommended him to me in the beginning of my journey) and when she read my earlier post and saw the problem I was having with no restriction and no appointment until 9/29, she decided to give me her appointment on 9/13! Can you believe this? She truly is my Guardian Angel. I really couldn't imagine having to wait that long to see the doctor and now, because of Steph, I don't have to!

I am blessed to have found such a friend and this whole community. Thank you Steph...I can't wait to spend time with you in Chicago!

I am getting so discouraged!

I am at a loss but its not a weight loss! I am doing everything right...eating great, exercising and the scale is not going down. In fact, it went up 2 lbs two days ago and its still up!

I want so bad to be at 175 for Chicago, that was only a 5 lb loss I was looking for but now its 7 lbs and I honestly don't know what else I can do at this point. My trainer said I am not eating enough! I am eating between 1000 and 1200 calories a day and I am exercising 5 days a week at least 1 hour a day. Less calories, more exercise should = weight loss!

The worst part is I am doing this entirely WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM MY BAND! Seriously, my fill level sucks. Unless the doctor has a cancellation, my appt. is set for 9/29. Honestly, what is going on here? I have always been a slow loser and that sure hasn't changed. The thing is, I have been so militant about the exercise and this has not been the case in the past. I really thought that I would see some downward movement on the scales with all my exercise but nothing. I have not lost anything in 3 weeks and now have gained 2.

Does anyone have any suggestions or advice for me?

Amy's Thursday Thingy!

Thousand Word Thursday! The adorable Amy came up with this idea! Every Wed. she will pic a topic and on Thursdays, we will follow through. Today's topic is "Let's celebrate our own beauty and how wonderful we all look with a photo of your favorite feature "

This pic of my hubbers and I was taken on our Cruise last November. While Steve looks like he just saw a ghost, I kind of like the pic because it shows off my eyes. With the exception of my hands and feet which are tiny and delicate looking, my hair and my eyes are really my only feature's that I love. I have problems with my nose, my smile (but I do love my teeth!) and lets not even go near the body, legs and arms! However, with each pound I lose, I am realizing that my daughter Jordan's shoulders that I love....actually come from me! Yea! I'll have to take a picture of them if we ever do this topic again!

***Edited***Do I dare go in for another fill?

I just don't know what to do! After my unfill, my doc put in .5 cc's last Wednesday which brings me to 2.3 in my 4 cc band. My 2nd fill brought me to 2.6 cc's and I really think if I had stayed there, instead of getting my 3rd fill (which resulted in the unfill) I would have been so much better off. I had one stuck episode 2 nights ago but aside from that, I do not feel any restriction. I am portioning out my portions but i know I could eat more.

My doctor really thought that this fill would take me through Sept. and into Oct. before I needed a little more. I really think I should be brought back to th 2.6 cc level but I am not sure he would go for that. I am thinking that I should call tomorrow and see if I can make an appt. for Monday, 9/13, what do you all think?

***Edited***
I was looking at my weight charts and comparing where I was weightwise with each fill and back when I was at a 2.6 cc fill level, I was 15 lbs heavier than what I am now! Surely, some of the fat from that weightloss came from around the stomach and that would make sense why now that I have 2.3 cc's in my band, I do not feel any restriction at all! I am definitely going to call this morning and plead my case! Wish me luck!